Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in mali_s_l's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, April 10th, 2007
11:33 pm	it feels like you are trying to get a reaction from a broken moment and a girl that knows better than to show her well practiced hand   where is the shelter i was promised? lies aren’t becoming reality just because we both wish it would and the simple fact of the matter is i am tired of the game   loosing interest is something i can and have put my mind to the irritations and blackened looks have become more than i am willing to deal with   hermit like behavior should never be judged without all the facts to back it up you are no better than i my brain is working over time and i just want to breathe the sea   oceans and the beautiful stillness that comes with watching the waves shocked and awed into serenity i can feel the tick tock of your clock and i want you to stop looking at me as if you loved me once   keep it together low key   my beauty doesn’t come from my perfect lips my intense eyes come second to word trickery and playing with an emotion tapping you with any idea that i plant into your mind   stalking her with a smile is still stalking my sad friend her using you and you letting her makes me a little sick to talk to you i worry about those that never learned to grow, to age     i gave a Son of a Bitch Fireman the words he wanted months ago he has broken me down enough to get me to commit to him   is it wrong of me to be with him just to prove to him he isn’t the one i want my cold reactions and hesitant touches will sooner or later make him break not knowing where i will be living never meeting those that i really do care for will eat at him seeing me on my schedule everything too dictated and strict i hope he tires faster than even i can predict   my treatment of him isn’t so ghastly as you think he asked me to do it give me a chance to change your mind let me prove to you that i am what you want on second thought what i am doing is just as horrid as you originally thought   i won’t hide who i am flaws and the all take a deep breath and look at me you will never understand everything behind my eyes (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, November 3rd, 2006
11:32 am	Lately, emotionally I have been feeling really well. I feel strong and independent of my old depression and I am handling things as they come a lot better than I have in the past. My sister's divorce that is turning out to be incredibly bitter isn't getting me down. I feel bad that my sister is dealing with all this shit but I don't take it home with me. My brother Andrew is moving two thousand miles away and I am sad I won't be able to just walk over to his place and hang with him anymore but even that isn't throwing me for a loop. I have been sick now for two months with a little breather from it here and there and I think I finally have to accept that I have been cursed with my Mother's gulten intollerance. Goodbye all breadstuffs. I love bagels and crusty bread and baked stuff and I can't eat them anymore. They make me sick. It is the hardest damn thing in the world. It really shouldn't be but it is. I have such a small food budget and now that I can't eat all the cheap bread stuff that I used to I don't know what my diet will be now. I am also bummed that no matter what I do I can't drop any real amount of weight. I work out and I don't eat total shit food and gluten hell doesn't make you retain weight so I know that isn't related. The only thing I can think of is the pill, which I can't manage to stay off of for more than a month is totally hindering me getting the weight off. For the most part I don't think about my body in a negative way. Then a few weeks ago my friend Marie posted pictures from her wedding that I attended and I looked so huge. I know part of that is standing by some of the skinniest people in the world, lighting, etc. but I look disgusting. I am so huge. I actually feel that huge now and I never have before. I have felt fat and kinda not hot, but over all I have had a some what healthy self esteem about the way i look. Now all I can think about is the size of my arms that are huge and my thick legs and my tummy that will never be flat and my ever growing ass. The thing is... I eat less now than I ever had. I work out more than I ever have. I eat better foods than I ever have and still I look this way. I know that part of it is genes. Everyone in my family has a weight issue. But I feel gross and I don't want to think of myself as gross anymore. I don't like taking up more space in the back seat of cars than my friends do, or filling out a chair more than everyone around me. I don't feel like being around people anymore. I don't think of myself as beautiful anymore. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
6:10 pm	My friend Crystal started a group or something called Life List, a list of things you want to do before you die. I thought I would start mine. Get my PhD in Political Science Learn French fluently Live in France for at least a year Learn to play the violin Learn to care less about things that don’t really matter Be published Take an oil painting class Stop hating people (ie my sisters’ unwashed smelly toad of a husband) Read all the books that are considered “classics” both in English and French Write my book Forgive those that I can’t presently forgive Take more vacations Buy a nice digital camera for my photography Build a dark room for my film photography Get “fixed” within the next couple of years Learn to love (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:41 pm	I have been thinking about the type of people that I am attracted to. I get a tingle from men that are mean and rough around the edges but still have a soft side to them. I am starting to get it through my thick skull that this isn't the best type of person to be attracted to. I get my heart broken a lot, not because I want to change the person, but because I don't try to change them. The men that I have been with are so used to women trying to change them that they become rather suspicious of women that let them be assholes. I tend to be rather demanding and bitchy and it takes a strong willed man to put up with my shit. I don't get lonley very easily and it doesn't tend to last long when it happens. I need a lot of alone time to write and paint and I am starting to see that is a rare thing for people to understand. Mean men tend to want a lot of attention that I can't give them. I think my dream man is Denis Leary. I don't know why I like men that smoke and drink too much and are total assholes. I should get over that. I had lunch with my New Jersey ex. He is in town for business. I didn't ask for details. We knew one another so long ago that I don't know the girl he sees when he looks at me. When he hugged me he held on longer than I expected him to. It was a little uncomfortable for me to see him again. He said it over and over that I am so different and he would like to get to know the new me. I have little to no interest in having him in my life full time. The random phone calls and e-mails has been enough for me, at times too much for me, over the past six years. I feel like I am in a really good place emotionally when it comes to being alone. I enjoy spending my nights doing homework or art. I have a really simple life right now and I am not looking to complicate it. I got rid of most of the things from my past that were dragging me down. Sure, I have bad days, bad weeks sometimes but over all I don't want to change my life right now because I think that I am actually living it for the first time. Josh is having a party this Saturday and I am looking forward to hanging with my friends. I have been really busy with work for a couple weeks now and I need the time to have a couple drinks and giggle at stupid shit. Every weekend this month is a party. I have to think up a Halloween costume that doesn't require too much effort. Wish me luck on mid-terms next week. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 11th, 2006
6:38 am	I am terrified of failing out of school and being stuck in a shit job for the rest of my life. I am also terrified of succeeding in what I want to do. I am so stressed these days I can't see straight. My body is on a full fledge revolt due to said stress and I desperately want to take a step back from my situation and catch my breath. I am so poor right now and I think I may have to buy a car soon which pretty much takes the idea of going to Seattle again this year out of the running. I am lucky though in that I am not feeling lonely. I feel really great about my social life. I went to Homo Mecca the other night for dinner with the boys and Benny's Mom. She is such an awesome little lady. It was nice to sit around and kill three bottles of wine and eat awesome food. I wish Corey would be my wife. I am hoping to get new furniture soon. Corey is getting rid of a couple of comfy couches and they may just end up coming to live with me if all goes well. I want my brother to come home for my birthday or Christmas. I miss that homeless bitch. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 10th, 2006
3:25 am	i feel i should be loud and clear spinning again and i can’t help but to feel the peace and pain i did a year ago bald-ed and shocked by my own strength in character i remember what it felt like to have my brother’s hand on my head when there wasn’t anything else there to hide behind and and i can’t tell you what it meant to me felt to me life altering moment if you knew then what you know now would you do it all over again? without hesitation i learned myself that day and i started to shed the eyes that I had on everyone else perfection and the impossibility of it cold breath of air tickled me into remembering that there was a time i was all eyes and i was beautiful walking to the store tonight i felt myself start to smile in spite of being too poor and needing too much in spite of all of it i can still smile finger traces on wet glass with contented NYC at my side he is and was my impossibly perfect big eyes baby i have big eyes for what comes next the wonder who and the child play i saw love again in the purest form and i thank spencer and tyson for having hearts shooting out of your eyes for one another and i think if my spencer can risk it again then then just maybe i can too (Comment on this)
Monday, May 15th, 2006
12:15 am	thoughts of today... I have to wonder when relationships turned from polite conversation and bashful glances until marriage to a man calling a woman a slut and thinking it is a joke after having just “fucked her brains out.” I think about relationships and what they have become all the time. I think about how few times men have actually treated me as the lady that I am. I think about how one man can call it making love and making me feel so totally connected to him and then I find out that I wasn’t enough for him. I wonder about the man that smacked me during sex and called me his cum whore. I think about the man that was too shy to even look me in the eye but wanted to choke me during sex. I think about relationships I see in the movies; men being sweet, taking their time and fighting for a relationship with a good woman and it makes me wish I was in the movies. It makes me wonder when it became the norm to treat women like a pile of flesh? I know the history of women’s rights in America. I don’t need a lesson on that. I do need to understand that why is it the more “equal” we become the less we become? I find myself shocked on a daily basis by the way that men treat me. I have no soul, no personality, nothing worth anything in their eyes because I have a vagina. I long for understanding and total connection with someone. I long for someone to treat me like I am human and not just a hole to be fucked. I am a sexual creature. I know that I have a weakness for sex. I love to be touched and I love to feel good in that way. Does that mean that I deserve to be used? I would say no. I would say that I have let love, sex, and fucking ruin me to an obscene degree. I don’t know what I think about any of the above anymore. I don’t know what I think about men or women for that matter. I want to find a place that will bring me to me. I want to know who I am in every respect and I don’t think that meaningless or excessive sex will get me there. I let my sex drive cloud my judgment and I let it distract from working on myself. I don’t want to feel what I need to feel so I have sex. I haven’t been truly alone until last autumn since I started having sex when I was 14. I haven’t always had relationships, but there has always been someone there to keep the other side of the bed warm if that is what I wanted. I was good for months, no sex, and it felt freeing to focus on myself. It was hard to be that alone but at the same time I have never felt better about myself. Then I gave it up and I regret that now, live and learn is all I can say about that. I think myself to be a good person with a big heart. Is it so strange that I don’t want that to be stepped on? Why is connection, love even, with someone such a bad thing before sex? I want to feel secure enough in myself and secure in the relationship before I spread myself. Why is that so strange? Then again I thought I had those things and he dumped me in the most childish of ways I can think of. Alas it is all a wash and I will just not go there again until someone earns their way into my heart and Josh approves of them. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I know that this isn’t a realistic goal. I know that logically, I do. At the same time I am so tired of being used. I am so tired of doing the using I just want to be me and not have to think about it all the time. My poetry, my paintings, everything is so tainted with the shit spit of love and sex I just want to destroy all of it and start over. I know that would be an over reaction to the situation. I know that in a few months of being alone I will be back to where I was before the RR/Jack detour. Is it so wrong to want to be treated well? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
7:40 pm	I feel like I have been silent for too long but the shit aspect to the whole thing is that I haven't anything to say. My brain isn't functioning, I have been thinking about Seattle walks in the middle of the day too much. I have been wallowing in something that I don't even know what to call it. Be it disappointment or just the inability to control something that I wish I had control over. I don't know. I need to take a vacation. I skipped out on going to LA in May so I could go to Seattle in July. I knew that LA would be more stressful than relaxing. I love my friends but they don't ever just let me be. In Seattle I can just be, even Nck has stopped asking what I did all day when I am there. He probably knows that I spend a good amount of time sleeping and the rest walking. I daydream a lot about nothing when I am in Seattle and it is fucking beautiful. The grave shifts continue this week and I am loving them even more which of course is my anti-social personality taking center stage. Thank God for the homos that won't let me stay inside all the time. I am going to a party at HomoMecca Firday evening before work. It will be good times. I am looking forward to Pride this year. Spencer and Tyson will be in town of course which it will be good to see them. I wonder when Pride is in Seattle, Nck told me they were thinking of moving it off of Broadway. Hm. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
7:39 pm	not finished i just crumble inside and i think about what it could have meant if i hadn’t turned my back and hadn’t turned cold to pleads of help it always still scares the hell out of me when when i see my own eyes completely dark in the mirror no recognition of self that is the moment to fucking change the day change the time change anything that can change or the drowning will win and my air will slip and then i will be back to that sad little girl hiding behind her hair because she feels so ugly tastes ugly smells ugly looks ugly no matter what you can’t cover self loathing with make up, perfume, and nice clothes exposed and balded i don’t think i have ever been more beautiful than when i cried covered in my own hair strange to hear i assume but to be showered in the mask that took so long to build i just crumbled inside it’s just hair you say and it has been almost a year get over it can one get over a defining moment it changed the way my eyes worked a first totally clear memory full of being vulnerable and not being able to tuck it away and show a happy face i was fucking crushed with myself and and it fucked me up to not have my security blanket it fucked me up when people asked what kind of cancer i had because why else would a girl shave her head unless she was sick or a dyke i remember her saying make sure you wear really cute makeup so they don’t assume anything why not shave her because she was sad and had been sad for so long she forgot what it meant to smile? drastic change has always been the way that I learn since moving 2000 miles as a tragically shy fat girl with no idea what it meant to live without mommy and daddy telling her the way to do it and then they were so busy and i was so alone seeing it all now in slow motion with an understanding i wasn’t capable of then and i wish that i had learned to speak in clear tones and not sobs and cookies fat girl from utah when i lived in new jersey and fat girl from new jersey when i moved back to utah i didn’t fit in no one wanted to be friends with a fat girl that liked to read i learned my societal lessons early on fat was to be hated girls were to be hated i was nothing because i was both girls could only be loved, when skinny and no book in hand i rebelled against the stupid male domination and turned cold striking out at anything that walked because i was in so much pain and i was so tired of being hurt hurt them first i told myself (2 Comments |Comment on this)
7:39 pm	she looks like the rain still moment rain tapping my car dancing into puddles mixing with dirt and oil the shit of the world swirling with the perfection of the world welcome to the everyday aspect of my moment slightly cold enough that i hold myself but not because I have to soft song of memory filled moments in far off places sitting in different cars with different rain but the same song the same calm perfection on lookers would think me sad in my moment of pure joy i find complete fucking happiness in things that people only do when they are sad dark rooms and loud music rain tapped car with no movement on a lone night steam rise from tea made just before and there are times I miss sleeping in my car there are times I miss driving to unknown places just to see if it tastes different there my little adventures that I never invited you to join me on and i miss them silly words from a silly girl he said that to me once when he didn’t know that it would hurt so much just because i call myself a silly girl doesn’t mean that you should join me opened door and a silly little girl spinning in the puddles eyes closed and arms wide open fingers reaching for something that can’t be seen because your eyes are open because your eyes are open close them and join this silly little girl in her moment take a deep breath swing your arms open and throw that head back spin with me spin and spin sing at the top of your lungs the silly song that this silly little girl listens to when when she is completely happy in her moment of sadness (Comment on this)
Monday, March 20th, 2006
8:40 am	Wake up Cookie It's time to read the wall. little white flag and the subtle way of reaching defeat a fight for the death with no words and no movement 1:20am log in and I am left bruised hard fall and a kick in the teeth i start over with no eyes on the future unless it involves getting away from this place of of broken mirrors and shattered hearts memories gone bad and sicky misbehavior that i won't repeat this little whore has broken her own rules and earned another notch on the steel of her bed never wanted never needed self loathing moments will pass by the end of the day lick my wounds and head to work work work drown myself in work and hope all the sicky of the past will go away with a blink or six it is possible i could be wrong somewhere in there i was told not to worry tick tock sing my sing song of giving up after a week plus two (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
4:57 pm	once upon a time... there was this night in new jersey the last time i was there i took a night walk and i got lost i didn’t have a cell phone on me i didn’t even know the address of the party that I had just left we had this stupid fight and i called him the biggest mistake i had ever made this was years after we weren’t together anymore he wasn’t even supposed to be there i was cool with him at first but old hurts and habits die hard and i realized i am not as cool as i thought i was i got lost over and over and over he was definitely part of my being lost i was lost after a first love that still hurts and i wish it would stop the death rattle sometimes wakes me up at night when i am alone last night i was lost again in new jersey and i didn’t know where to go or what to do i sat down on the curb and drank the beer that i had in my hand i looked up to the stars which i was shocked that i could see anything with the light pollution i remember feeling chilled even though it was hot that night sticky even a cold too silent and deadly to my ability to think headlights here and there but mostly nothing but the stillness that comes with disorientation finished beer and a toss to the side with a shatter and tiny fizz i was wearing heels I have always loved the way my feet and legs look in overly female shoes something of the sexy variety making me taller than i have ever wanted to be waxed legs and wanting to wake up and not be lost anymore a smoke or two when i used to smoke when the pressure was on long black finger nails how elegant they always looked to me the heaviness of make-up that i will simply never get used to i touch my eyes too much to wear something on it every day i heard the hollow echo of his boots before i could see his dark outline a clink of a bottle or two in his hand not looking at him full on i took the next beer when it was offered “ya know I don’t want it to be like this forever” he cut his hair since last i saw him short and looking the part of an ex marine i had dreams with him in them stupid dreams of the naïve little girl that I once was scared of my own shadow for as long I can remember somehow I thought he would help me get away from it all my knight in fucking shining armor i wanted to be saved i just never knew that i was what i needed saving from moving to push the hair out of my eyes focusing on the sound of my velvet jacket as i move “i got lost” a nod and a half smile beer fizz down my throat and we sat for an hour… maybe more i can’t say then he helped me to my feet a hug that lasted longer than it should and a soft kiss of never again “ya know it will be like this forever…. i can’t help it” i look at my cold toes instead of at him i never was able to look at him when i was hurting him “i know” (Comment on this)
Monday, January 23rd, 2006
1:19 am	a few weeks ago on myspace i found a friend from high school she and i had a falling out right before she got married we fought about something that seemed so important then but i can't remember now today i spoke with someone else from my childhood it always puts me in a strange mood to talk with people that i was so close to then suddenly stopped seeing. i know i am not the same person that i was back then but i find myself still pissed off at these people and i wish that would go away i know that they both hurt me when i was younger my biggest fear was being hurt by my friends my biggest fear now is hurting my friends i was so scared that they would hurt me that a lot of the time i hurt them first when i was in high school i was so angry with most people in my family and my love life was a mess to say the least i put everything i had in me on friendships something that i shouldn't have done but what can be done now years later i just wish i could get over the pain and anger that i hold with these people that i am talking with again perhaps with talking to them i can learn something i know that with talking to one of them it is getting a little easier at letting go of some really old bad energy that i thought i had gotten rid of (Comment on this)
Monday, January 9th, 2006
11:05 pm	isn't it sad when life boils down to not having two hundred bucks? if i had two hundred bucks i wouldn't have any stress and I wouldn't be breaking out in hives and crying every five minutes. Though part of that is because I am on my period and this time around I am a mess. I miss people this week. I am a walking time bomb. I want to sleep a million hours a day. I want to kick something really hard. I am out of anything to paint on and my fingers itch for paint. Complain complain complain, as my Mother would say. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 18th, 2005
12:18 pm	i get so cranky when i am sick i take every little thing personally i should really work on that perhaps next year that will be the focus of things to fix stop being so sensitive when sick i would fix it this year but honestly i dun wanna a year of flux so much in the air and finding random homes that i never thought would be this past year has shaken me to the core i try over and over to express to people what has happened to me but they don't seem to get it or want to get it huge changes in oneself can only really be seen in the mirror ... next year loosing weight and fixing my moody sicky behavior those will be the next big things for me i have already started the weight loss but i plan on having what i want gone gone by the end of next year ... today is my canadian ben's birthday he is just as old as me now crazy to think that this is the last birthday he will spend in america every time i think of him moving back to canada i start to have a panic attack he has been my one constant i have gotten beyond mad at the boy but something always brings him back to my happy side damn him for leaving me i know i shouldn't look at it like that i know that him moving will be good for him he is looking forward to finding out who he is he doesn't think he can do that here hell i had to go almost the same distance to force that look in the mirror a head shave did it for me moving away from everyone he knows to some place he hasn't known in a really long time will make him take that needed look in the eyes ... miss A made me snowflakes and sent them with my cards i taped them up makes me happy to look at them a true friend and sister one of these days we will hide in the blanket tent i haven't seen her online in a long time i should call her but i never think of it during normal hours i can't assume that she keeps the strange hours that i do ... i must be feeling better i am listening to my classic rock music again CCR the eagles dad rock laying around yesterday made me realize i can't think when i have nothing to keep me busy ... I am making another blanket crocheting who know i was such a domestic diva i like to cook and when not getting paid for it i like to make things like blankets ... blah blah my meds are not working as well as they were an hour ago another dose it is then off to work i go (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 17th, 2005
11:12 pm	it seems like every man that i meet wants to simply fuck me and leave $100 by the bed i may be poor but i am not that poor that i would become a whore every man that i meet that isn't LDS treats me like i am a hole to be fucked the men that don't treat me that way are either gay or LDS i have such a weakness for mormon men i have to assume it is from my up bringing ... the very idea of sex makes my skin crawl which is interesting as i am an incredibly sexual person i just miss the sweetness that once went along with sex the sweet kisses the cuddles ah how i miss cuddling and kissing i don't know that i miss sex so much but i miss the sweetness ... i am sick always sick it seems cold meds make me repeat myself and take away my ability to write well i made muffins tonight i cook when i am sad ... not saying anything important leaving now (Comment on this)
Friday, November 25th, 2005
4:16 pm	I have been sick for a few days now, today when I thought it had finally gone away I got sick about an hour after waking up. Being sick is hard on me. I tend to lock myself in my head and focus on the bad things about me or life. I don't know why I do this. I should stop doing this. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 21st, 2005
3:24 pm	I find myself in an odd state at work. Her name is Sheri. She said to me and Nick (my new favorite homo in Utah) that she thinks that "fags" are gross and need mental help. I felt the shift in Nick before I saw his hurt. He started speaking more like John Wayne around her. I didn't say anything. I hate myself for not saying anything. The Malinda of old would have handed her busted ass back to her without thinking twice. I didn't say anything. Nick didn't say anything. After work when we left the hurt was still there. I could see the tears in his eyes over coffee that night. I didn't say anything. I fucking hate myself today. I didn't defend him. I didn't even say "Sheri we are at work and such topics are best left for when not at work." I didn't say anything. It is a bad day today. People once upon a time couldn't stop me from arguing any point at any time with anyone. Now the silence that comes from me makes me sick. I didn't say anything. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
3:53 am	Six long days of work One more to go There is this man tall pale perfect skin dark hair a voice god his voice I haven't got a chance So tired my brain hurts I need a day off I need to stop feeling today I want to sleep for a while (Comment on this)
Monday, October 10th, 2005
5:55 am	bugged he won't let me sleep drip trick of late night shit fall i don't know why you keep calling me i lost your number ages ago i don't hate you i don't even dislike you i just don't want to know you you are sad you are depressed and refuse to fix it you make excuses for the sky turning grey sick and twist god i hope i didn't do that to people you frustrate me i am not small but you make me be that way i am not stupid but you make me be that way i am not worthless but you make me be that way fuck off chad leave this girl be i have been done with you for a while leave this girl be leave this girl be i am good i am good and happy in life and i don't need you taking a shit on it every chance you get fine fine fine i will go to your level of saying i hate you will that make you leave me alone? i will say that i don't like you will that make you loose my number? you disgust me you make me want to hide every time i see you will that make you forget my name god i hope so leave this girl be leave this girl be i just want to be happy you won't let me be me and be happy when i talk to you i won't return your texts i won't return your e-mails if you see me at work pretend i am another faceless mass just fuck off i beg you to leave this girl be i am tired i am so tired of your bullshit toxic you are toxic i can't get to seattle to detox from you i will purge you from my system let me (Comment on this)